Growing up, I was a socially awkward child. I don’t think I can pinpoint a time in my life and say- “This is why I grew up to be so anxious,”- but I never quite “fit in” with any crowd. I’d stumble all over my words, repeat the same sentences, and next thing you know, I completely lost the crowd’s attention. At the same time, someone interrupts mid-sentence “to vocalize how they forgot to put gas in their car because that was much more intriguing than whatever I was saying.”
I resented myself and others for years because of this persisting cycle in my life of not knowing how to communicate effectively, make friends easily, or be able to feel confident in my own body. I isolated myself and fell into an intense victim mentality, believing that everyone was out to get me. There wasn’t a proper place in the world for me. No one understands me. It was like I was a frat boy going up to the pretty girl at the party, and when they’d eventually get rejected- “Fine, whatever. You weren’t even pretty anyway.” A lie that I’d tell myself to boost my ego.
The funny thing about ego is that it wants to feel invincible, and if it doesn’t feel that significance, it’ll eventually compel you to put other people down so you can feel empowered. When you’re hurting, you want others to hurt. I realized this about my ego when I was in the midst of my self-deprecating pity party in 2020. I’d be scrolling hours on Instagram or TikTok, looking at all these beautiful people having the times of their lives. Going to parties, having tons of friends, and for some reason in my mind, I despised them for it. I wasn’t any better than the bullies I’d see on TV; the only difference was that I kept it to myself, but that didn’t make it any better. I was a bully, and I despised them. But why did I despise them? Sure, they had the life I only dreamt of having, but whose fault was that? Mine. I disliked them because I disliked myself. When people do this, it’s called “projection”. Projection is a real and sometimes scary thing. If you’re not careful enough, you too can fall into this trap, or maybe you have found yourself in this trap, and that’s why you’re reading this article.
Do not fret, though; the first step to healing is first admitting that you even have a problem to begin with- without putting someone else into the equation of your own pain. Pointing fingers and shifting blame will not get you far and will keep you further indulged in your own self-agony. Your trauma story, perception, and actions have all led you here today, and while it may have served a purpose once upon a time, it shouldn’t make up who you are at your core. Growing up, I did not have it easy, but my past does not define me, just like it doesn’t have to define you. Not everyone can be (or even want to be) self-aware of their problems without blaming it on someone else, so give yourself a pat on the back because that’s amazing you can do that!
Now let’s get into it. How could I get out of my head and start to lead a confident and happy life? It wasn’t until I finally got tired of hearing myself repeat the same sob story. Everyone has a sob story, and everyone’s life is hard. That was my first step, admitting just that. Everyone has a story: Your parents, siblings, teachers, bosses, coworkers. Remember that you are not alone in this life. Eight billion people walk this planet, and it’s nearly impossible to have a unique experience. Always remember that 1. You’re not alone, and 2. Your trauma may have paved the path you’ve walked on for a while, but it doesn’t have to be the only one you take. If you keep reiterating and retelling the same story, what are you accomplishing but making your body and mind relive the event repeatedly? Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
This is my next point- be mindful of your thoughts, actions, and words. Not only what are you projecting out to others, but also what are you consuming? When you play songs movies, or simply think about the traumatic event over and over again, you’re continuously retraumatizing yourself and worsening your symptoms. To clarify, you are not a bad person for doing these things, and it’s normal. We do these things to help us cope with our past, but it does more harm than good if it’s not done in small doses. This was the hardest step for me because I was comfortable with living in my narrative; I had done it most of my life. When you feel invalidated, you will find things to make yourself feel validated, and in turn, you will find comfort in your trauma story. But remember, you have choices. Your brain does not control you, and you control it. Instead of going on your phone and endlessly scrolling on TikTok for hours when you first wake up, how about going on Pinterest and finding a new hairstyle or makeup look you want to try for the day? Or listen to a self-love podcast? Instead of thinking- “I look ugly. My nose takes up my whole face, and I have acne everywhere. Who would love me?” Replace that thought with something you like about yourself or an accomplishment! My smile and laugh is contagious! My eyes are beautiful and bright! That outfit I bought myself the other day? It looks amazing on me! It’s all about training your mind, so take it slow and do it in increments. You don’t have to fix your life tomorrow, but you can start shifting from your old life to your new one. The little things matter, so start there!
When you start complimenting yourself more, you start encouraging yourself more. Words are magical, and they have the power to grow or tear something down. Life is already hard enough; don’t be another hurdle in your life that you must go through every day. I had long believed I needed someone to save me from myself. I was a hopeless romantic and believed that Prince Charming would come knocking on my door and tell me everything I’d been dying to hear. What’s so ironic is that I did have Prince Charming come and tell me everything I wanted to hear, but even then, it wasn’t enough. I didn’t know why I couldn’t take his words for what they were and believe him. He’d tell me I was beautiful, but I said he was lying. He said I was smart, but I said I was dumb. I realized that no one would come and save me because they couldn’t save me. That’s something I had to do for myself. It’s not that I didn’t want to believe it. It’s that I couldn’t. My mind already had a record player of my deepest insecurities playing on repeat, and they were loud enough that it blocked out everything else. You must start telling yourself daily how funny, smart, and amazing you are- and believing it. This is where you start rewiring your subconscious from one belief to another. We all have problems and insecurities, but would it be wrong to love ourselves despite them?
Lastly, if there’s one thing that I would want you to take away from this article, consider how would seven year old you feel if you told them every nasty thing you tell yourself. Could you look them in the eye and tell them they’re not smart? Are they ugly? Could you watch them cry and feel as defeated and lowly as you do? When you tell yourself all those bad things today, that 7-year-old kid hears it, too. If there’s one thing about me, I carry my inner child everywhere. She’s with me at all times and is the reason that I went back to school in the first place. I remember when I was a kid, I wanted to do many things- be an astronaut, become the next Pablo Picasso, and the classic, a princess. I realized that in my life, I was settling for mediocrity. I’m capable of so much more than what I allowed, and I know I’m capable of so much because I believe in that little girl inside of me.
All of these damaging habits I had before I started working on myself contributed to my crippling social anxiety, depression, and victim mentality. My self-love journey has taught me that this is my life and that everything I once believed to be accurate doesn’t have to be. Every day, you have to show up for yourself. When you tell yourself you’re going to do something, do it. This is how you build trust within yourself. It may take work, but you’ll find you are all you need. Whether this is your first-year, second-year, or a potential student looking for a sign to make a change, your routines will dictate how far you’ll achieve your goals. Self-doubt, negative self-talk, and comparison are all thieves of living an authentic and happy life. When you live in the past, you can’t focus on all the wonderful things you have achieved today. Live for the now and not for yesterday!
